How to Prepare for Divorce, Make Smarter Decisions, and Protect Your Future
By Hossein Berenji
Divorce has a way of making everything feel urgent. You’re worried about your finances, your family, your future, and what your spouse might do next. After more than twenty years of practicing family law, I’ve seen how easily fear and anger can start driving decisions. Good divorce strategy isn’t about reacting faster than your spouse. It’s about understanding what you’re dealing with, setting realistic expectations, and making decisions that protect where you’ll be when the case is over.
How to Prepare for Divorce in California
What Should Someone Do When They First Realize Divorce May Be Coming?
Start paying attention. Know where you bank, what accounts and debts exist, what property you own, where the income comes from, and who the important financial professionals are.
I’ve represented spouses who didn’t manage the finances but knew which banks were used and who the accountants were. That knowledge gave us a roadmap for finding information. I’ve also represented people who genuinely had no idea where anything was. In those cases, we may have to start from zero and use formal discovery just to establish the financial picture. That takes time, and time in litigation costs money.
Does It Matter Who Files for Divorce First?
Filing first doesn’t automatically give you a better outcome, but timing can matter strategically. Filing begins the legal process and can affect when certain protections and restrictions take effect. There may also be circumstances where acting quickly is important.
I don’t believe in racing to the courthouse simply to say you filed first. The question is whether filing now serves a legitimate strategic purpose.
How Much Should You Know About the Finances Before Divorce?
As much as reasonably possible. You don’t have to be the spouse who pays the bills or manages the investments, but you should understand the basic financial landscape. California divorce also requires financial disclosure. Both sides are expected to disclose information regarding their financial circumstances. When information isn’t provided, attorneys can use formal discovery to obtain records and investigate further. But discovery is not free. The more your attorney already knows about where to look, the more efficiently that process can often be handled.
Can You Start Moving Money or Changing Accounts Once Divorce Is Filed?
Be very careful. California divorce proceedings include automatic restraining orders designed in part to preserve the financial status quo. They restrict certain transfers and other financial actions outside the ordinary course. That doesn’t mean you can’t pay ordinary expenses or continue operating your financial life. It means major or unusual financial decisions shouldn’t be made impulsively. If you’re considering moving substantial funds, selling property, changing insurance, or making another significant financial move, speak with your attorney first. I treat these automatic restrictions as a safeguard, not a formality.
Set Realistic Expectations During Divorce
What Do People Misunderstand About What Divorce Court Can Do for Them?
People sometimes enter divorce expecting the legal system to correct everything that went wrong during the marriage. They want the court to recognize that they worked harder, sacrificed more, were betrayed, or were treated unfairly. Those feelings may be completely legitimate, but the court isn’t there to provide emotional vindication. I’ve seen people spend extraordinary amounts of money trying to prove a point. In one case, a husband believed it was fundamentally unfair that he had worked so hard and would now have to divide what had been accumulated during a long marriage. His expectations helped drive litigation that cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars before the case ultimately settled.
Ask yourself: Is my expectation based on the facts and the law, or on how I feel about what happened?
Is an Aggressive Attorney Always a Better Attorney?
No. People going through divorce are emotionally vulnerable. They may be scared, angry, anxious, or worried about their future, and that can make an attorney who promises to fight everything feel very reassuring. You need an attorney who will protect you. But protection and unnecessary litigation are not the same thing. A good attorney sometimes has to tell you something you don’t want to hear.
I’ve had clients become concerned simply because their attorney was cordial with opposing counsel. They expected hostility because hostility felt like protection. That’s not how I define effective representation. Let the facts and evidence drive your expectations, and listen when your attorney tells you a particular fight may not improve your position.
Know When a Fight Is Worth It
How Do You Decide Whether to Settle or Keep Fighting?
I look at it as a cost-benefit analysis: What are we trying to accomplish? What will it cost? What are the risks? And what happens if we win? I represented a client whose case was close to settlement, but the parties remained about $35,000 to $40,000 apart. He believed paying the additional amount was unfair. I explained that going to trial could cost approximately that much—and he could still lose on some of the issues. Sometimes something is unfair, but spending $40,000 to prove it’s unfair doesn’t necessarily leave you $40,000 better off.
Does That Mean You Should Always Settle?
No. Sometimes the other side is so unreasonable that resistance is necessary. If you continually give in, the demands may never stop. Every issue has to be evaluated individually. Sometimes the cost of fighting isn’t worth it. Sometimes it absolutely is. The important thing is knowing why you’re fighting and what a successful outcome would actually accomplish.
Protect Your Future, Not Your Anger
One of the most destructive things I’ve seen in divorce cases is vengeance disguised itself as justice. I’ve seen people destroy outcomes that could have left them financially secure because punishing the other spouse became more important than resolving the divorce. One case lasted roughly seven years. The husband went through eleven attorneys and incurred enormous legal and receiver fees while refusing a settlement my client had been willing to accept early in the case. By the end, she received substantially more than she originally would have settled for, while he lost years and tremendous financial resources fighting. That’s why I tell people to deal with the emotional side of divorce outside the litigation. Therapy, counseling, or other support can help you process anger, betrayal, and anxiety. Your divorce case is an expensive place to try to work through those feelings.
What’s the Most Important Thing to Remember When Preparing for Divorce?
Think about where you want to be when it’s over. Sometimes protecting your future means fighting. Sometimes it means compromising. And sometimes it means recognizing that proving you’re right will cost more than being right is worth. The goal isn’t to win every battle in the divorce. It’s to make decisions that protect the life you have after it.
